The state of all states

I guess I am now in a state ... where all my thought process are telling me they had enough ... dont think anymore ... just be blank ...

It is not so easy, but I have achieved this state over the last two days ... and it does give me some peace of mind ... thinking is not a boon but a burden at times ...

This is really quite some state of mind ... and I am yet to master it, such that I can be so with ease ...

Anyway even in this state I can think of one song which really appeals to me at this moment ...

Papa Roach's - Last Resort ... quite some song ...

What matters in life

Many a time we run behind things we feel are most important in life ... many a time we think too much about meaningless things in life ... too much thinking doesnt make any difference more often than not ...

To each one of us what matters in life differ ... if you ask yourself if you were to choose 5 things you would like to always have in life ... each one of us would choose differently ...

I would not at the moment like to answer that question as I am confused myself ... freedom or love, independence or people I care about, choices ... difficult choices ... but we need to make decisions no matter what ... or they would anyway be made for us ...

At times I feel too tired to choose ... letting life make the choices for me ... I know I cant have everything always ... so I enjoy what I have when I have it ...

At this juncture I am hesitant though, since am not sure what it is I have as options ...

Mostly my mind is in turmoil ... now I am at least not as panicky or going to an all time low like I used to ... life teaches you things ... and I know after every night there is a day ... now it might be night for me, with the darkness and the demons that I need to face, but the sun will rise tomorrow, driving away the darkness and the demons ...

So I am still in search of what matters in life for me ... I know am not materialistic ... so its more feelings that matters to me ... and peace of mind. And these are the most difficult to get hold of ... and for them to be right, how I live my life matters ...

I would take one step at a time ... I guess being sad is also better than no emotions at all ... since I always believe being sad once in a while is good for you, since then you appreciate happiness more. Only if you know fear, do you learn to be truly brave. So I guess I will face ma life, with hope and courage ... and accepting what life brings ... enjoying it ... in spite of the sadness and happiness that come with it ... all these are what makes you truly alive ...

I guess am back in the storm ...

I am now at a juncture ... between the ending stage of life as i know it and start of a new life about which I know nothing about ...

I can feel things changing around me, difference in people I hung out with, feeling like I cant do the things I had been doing till now. Feeling like my life is going to be uprooted and I am gonna start all over again, with a difference that I get to say good byes. And feeling that right now I am suspended somewhere in between, seeing both the old life, and the new life, but touching neither. Like am in a glass cage, belonging neither here nor there. It feels wrong in a way... or rather should I say sad. I feel like I am lost. Future unknown, all I can do is hope for the best. Not knowing whether to be happy. Feeling like its better to be prepared for battle. At least emotionally. I feel like rebuilding all the walls I pulled down over the years, and flipping my character again, into a more reserved one, since its better to be prudent when you enter the unknown world. I guess I am afraid of the unknown ... just like I have always been afraid of the darkness always.

Guess am back in my stormy world ... lost in the thousand thoughts that go through my head ... hoping to be out some day and see the clear blue skies again and feel the peace ...

New Year Resolutions

I am not much of a resolutions person ... but as each year passes one learns new things in life ... and so it would be the wise thing to learn from it ... here are a few things I would like to try and stick to this year ...

I would like to start a balance on the give and take - in life one often either gives too much to people you really like, when what you give might not be taken well by the people who receive, and on the other hand there may be people who give a lot to you, whom you do not appreciate. I want to try and balance things this year - reciprocating and also not giving to those not wanting.

I would like to find someone to share my life with before the end of this year - since I think my internal clock has declared to me - now is the time. I think I am ready to start a new life.

I would like to improve on my feminine side without overdoing it ... and achieving that balance is going to be tough ...

I would like to get myself a few but really nice dresses and wear them out. Always wanted to wear them ... :). Those that you see in fairy tales kind.

I would like to live every day like there may be no tomorrow - doing things that I would love - living life with a vengeance.

I would like to stick to my Karate class for another grading at least - lets take one step at a time - don't know if I would have what it takes to continue till a black belt - though I sure hope I manage to have the dedication and patience.

I would like to think before I act/speak, and make better judgments in my actions. Trust me I have a habit of acting on impulse, when am really pushed around ... and speaking out freely isn't always cool.

I would like to learn to be traveling to a lot more places, experiencing a lot more things in life ... and discovering more about the world.

I would like to go with an adventure club for at least one outing if not more ...

There are lot more in my dreams - but this will do for now ... as starters for this year ...

Munnar Trip

We started from Bangalore on 24th night around 10.30pm. We were 12 in number and went by a 12 seater tempo travel. We travelled through beautiful mountain roads, past waterfalls and tea plantations to reach our ecoland resort - the place we stayed, which was extremely beautiful, with a miniature waterfall in front of it and lots of greenery. We spend time taking photographs and resting up, enjoying nature and the peaceful atmosphere. Later we went to have lunch outside ... and then saw some places in the city and returned back. We enjoyed a nice Kerala special dinner, which turned out to be good for my friends too, none of whom where from Kerala. I was happy they liked it ... Then we had a campfire around which we played dumb charades, played anthakshari and also a new game where we tell a good thing and a bad thing about everyone present ... It was a nice experience and everyone enjoyed it a lot ...

Next day, we went in search of a waterfall, rode the elephant and saw a dam, photo point and then made out return journey ... with songs and games. The entire journey was fun ... mainly due to the life of the trip - my dear friends - who made the experience unforgettable. :). Loved it.