Love Really Is Blind

Its not quite possible to explain things rationally when you are in love ... and this is the time when you start wondering how artificial human beings have become from what they are designed to be.

Lets start with your instinct telling you to love somebody, which your rational mind says is not gonna be a great idea because of one hundred reasons - i.e why in the society we live in, this love isn't going to work out long term or cannot get a chance to fulfill.

Well rational mind is right, but does that change your feeling? No.

From my experience so far, the more you fight you love instincts with logic, the more miserable you become. There really isn't any compromise your heart is going to agree to once it is fixated on giving itself to a person.

So as you can guess, I have the above mentioned issue at the moment. And I guess am through the fighting phase of it. I have finally got it drilled into my head that, girl stop fighting, its of no use.

So now I have resigned to the fact that I am truly, madly (deeply? - don't know how deep - hope not so much) in love. And as it more often than not happens with me, the feelings are not returned (never keeps me from trying again though).

Well, experience does teach you some things, and after giving the dude a real hard time, and taking a lot of humiliation of rejection in the process (well, I did ask for all that), I thankfully went through the storm cycle with lot less loss of health and anguish than any time before.

I guess the anguish lasted as long as took for me to realize forgetting is not an option. And I still respect the guy to no end, and still no change in the truly madly in love part. This in spite of having been constantly shown the door to my profession of love etc etc.

The reason to this could be due to the fact that the guy had my best interests in mind, when he did show me the door. First time in my life, I have felt like someone do care, and did not want to take advantage of the situation. Someone telling me whats good for me, and not whats good for him. He was doing the right thing (for me, more than for him) by saying no. Guess that went a long way in not feeling like shit in spite of the rejection.

The bugging him part, I still couldn't help ... love has no reason, and it likes being expressed, and I always speak my mind. I did reduce it to the max I could, which if he hears (that the bugging was the max restrained one from my end) would give him a heart attack - since the little bugging which I did itself was too much for him to take.

Well still I guess I would continue pining for him for god knows how long. Kinda like every spare moment I think of him, whether I like to or not. So no choice in that. Till I guess someone I have stronger affinity comes along, or my destiny takes a turn and I have no choice but to force myself to move on.

So I have accepted that. Would always hope that someday my feelings will be returned, and that someday wouldn't be too late. But at least I have laid to rest the urge to bug him or to fight the love. And funny enough that has made me more at peace and happier than when I was fighting it.

Is this called selfless love? No idea ... Guess not ... I am just making things as comfortable as possible for myself (like if you are locked in a box you might as well find the most comfortable place in it and save your energy, if you know for a fact there is no way out) ... and this is the best I can do in the current situation ... guess that's all my whirlwind of thoughts have to express for now ...

What is love ?

I guess its a confusing question ... what love is ...

If one person dominates your thoughts night and day, and you feel like your life is
revolving around that person, then does that mean you are in love,
or is it just an infatuation?

I guess that's a good question ...

I keep falling in love, getting a heart break ... again falling in love ...
oh! the confusing life I lead.

The worst part is I cant decide whom I fall in love with,
at least not consciously so far ...

Its a subconscious process, where my biological radar keeps scanning for ideal candidates,
short lists them without even a conscious decision, targets one based on god knows what criteria,
and makes you feel like you have been hit with a cupid arrow, when ever you see the person,
once your subconsciousness makes up its mind.

It never asks the conscious part what it has to say about this ...

And what does this result in? Heartbreak.

And to top that off, you get insulted, degraded etc ...
if you are the bold kind that speaks your mind and go and tell the person how you feel ...
just wonderful I say.

I at times wish that I could fight myself so I can live a peaceful life.
Anyway I guess am back to feeling rejected, lonely and completely distressed that in spite of it all,
I am still very much in love.

I guess its true that when you are in love you feel both extremely high and extremely depressed
at the same time.

Depressing time of my life ... guess life has its highs and lows and
I am at the most turbulent period of my life ...

I just don't understand how I can continue falling in love and
never learn after having never succeeded in it so far ...

Guess some things are just beyond your control and you cant change what you are.

note: originally written on Feb 21, 2011

The state of all states

I guess I am now in a state ... where all my thought process are telling me they had enough ... dont think anymore ... just be blank ...

It is not so easy, but I have achieved this state over the last two days ... and it does give me some peace of mind ... thinking is not a boon but a burden at times ...

This is really quite some state of mind ... and I am yet to master it, such that I can be so with ease ...

Anyway even in this state I can think of one song which really appeals to me at this moment ...

Papa Roach's - Last Resort ... quite some song ...

What matters in life

Many a time we run behind things we feel are most important in life ... many a time we think too much about meaningless things in life ... too much thinking doesnt make any difference more often than not ...

To each one of us what matters in life differ ... if you ask yourself if you were to choose 5 things you would like to always have in life ... each one of us would choose differently ...

I would not at the moment like to answer that question as I am confused myself ... freedom or love, independence or people I care about, choices ... difficult choices ... but we need to make decisions no matter what ... or they would anyway be made for us ...

At times I feel too tired to choose ... letting life make the choices for me ... I know I cant have everything always ... so I enjoy what I have when I have it ...

At this juncture I am hesitant though, since am not sure what it is I have as options ...

Mostly my mind is in turmoil ... now I am at least not as panicky or going to an all time low like I used to ... life teaches you things ... and I know after every night there is a day ... now it might be night for me, with the darkness and the demons that I need to face, but the sun will rise tomorrow, driving away the darkness and the demons ...

So I am still in search of what matters in life for me ... I know am not materialistic ... so its more feelings that matters to me ... and peace of mind. And these are the most difficult to get hold of ... and for them to be right, how I live my life matters ...

I would take one step at a time ... I guess being sad is also better than no emotions at all ... since I always believe being sad once in a while is good for you, since then you appreciate happiness more. Only if you know fear, do you learn to be truly brave. So I guess I will face ma life, with hope and courage ... and accepting what life brings ... enjoying it ... in spite of the sadness and happiness that come with it ... all these are what makes you truly alive ...

I guess am back in the storm ...

I am now at a juncture ... between the ending stage of life as i know it and start of a new life about which I know nothing about ...

I can feel things changing around me, difference in people I hung out with, feeling like I cant do the things I had been doing till now. Feeling like my life is going to be uprooted and I am gonna start all over again, with a difference that I get to say good byes. And feeling that right now I am suspended somewhere in between, seeing both the old life, and the new life, but touching neither. Like am in a glass cage, belonging neither here nor there. It feels wrong in a way... or rather should I say sad. I feel like I am lost. Future unknown, all I can do is hope for the best. Not knowing whether to be happy. Feeling like its better to be prepared for battle. At least emotionally. I feel like rebuilding all the walls I pulled down over the years, and flipping my character again, into a more reserved one, since its better to be prudent when you enter the unknown world. I guess I am afraid of the unknown ... just like I have always been afraid of the darkness always.

Guess am back in my stormy world ... lost in the thousand thoughts that go through my head ... hoping to be out some day and see the clear blue skies again and feel the peace ...

New Year Resolutions

I am not much of a resolutions person ... but as each year passes one learns new things in life ... and so it would be the wise thing to learn from it ... here are a few things I would like to try and stick to this year ...

I would like to start a balance on the give and take - in life one often either gives too much to people you really like, when what you give might not be taken well by the people who receive, and on the other hand there may be people who give a lot to you, whom you do not appreciate. I want to try and balance things this year - reciprocating and also not giving to those not wanting.

I would like to find someone to share my life with before the end of this year - since I think my internal clock has declared to me - now is the time. I think I am ready to start a new life.

I would like to improve on my feminine side without overdoing it ... and achieving that balance is going to be tough ...

I would like to get myself a few but really nice dresses and wear them out. Always wanted to wear them ... :). Those that you see in fairy tales kind.

I would like to live every day like there may be no tomorrow - doing things that I would love - living life with a vengeance.

I would like to stick to my Karate class for another grading at least - lets take one step at a time - don't know if I would have what it takes to continue till a black belt - though I sure hope I manage to have the dedication and patience.

I would like to think before I act/speak, and make better judgments in my actions. Trust me I have a habit of acting on impulse, when am really pushed around ... and speaking out freely isn't always cool.

I would like to learn to be traveling to a lot more places, experiencing a lot more things in life ... and discovering more about the world.

I would like to go with an adventure club for at least one outing if not more ...

There are lot more in my dreams - but this will do for now ... as starters for this year ...

Munnar Trip

We started from Bangalore on 24th night around 10.30pm. We were 12 in number and went by a 12 seater tempo travel. We travelled through beautiful mountain roads, past waterfalls and tea plantations to reach our ecoland resort - the place we stayed, which was extremely beautiful, with a miniature waterfall in front of it and lots of greenery. We spend time taking photographs and resting up, enjoying nature and the peaceful atmosphere. Later we went to have lunch outside ... and then saw some places in the city and returned back. We enjoyed a nice Kerala special dinner, which turned out to be good for my friends too, none of whom where from Kerala. I was happy they liked it ... Then we had a campfire around which we played dumb charades, played anthakshari and also a new game where we tell a good thing and a bad thing about everyone present ... It was a nice experience and everyone enjoyed it a lot ...

Next day, we went in search of a waterfall, rode the elephant and saw a dam, photo point and then made out return journey ... with songs and games. The entire journey was fun ... mainly due to the life of the trip - my dear friends - who made the experience unforgettable. :). Loved it.