Evaluation of last year resolutions

Resoultion 1: I would like to start a balance on the give and take - I want to try and balance things this year - reciprocating and also not giving to those not wanting.
Evaluation: I have no clue if I improved on that or not ... funny enough, now I feel this doesnt really matter as much anymore. Maybe I balanced it out a little, or I have stopped giving expecting anything in return. I dont expect anything much when I give - maybe ...

Resoultion 2: I would like to find someone to share my life with before the end of this year
Evaluation: Still pending ... again I no longer feel a hurry ... let it happen ...

Resolution 3: I would like to improve on my feminine side without overdoing it ... and achieving that balance is going to be tough ..S
Evaluation: Yeah, I think I have overdone it ... maybe - not sure (that probably means am on the path to overdoing it if I haven't overdone it already).

Resolution 4: I would like to get myself a few but really nice dresses and wear them out. Always wanted to wear them ... :). Those that you see in fairy tales kind.
Evaluation: Bought a little black dress ... good enough for me ... :) ...

Resolution 5: I would like to live every day like there may be no tomorrow - doing things that I would love - living life with a vengeance.
Evaluation: Does that every now and then ... Also I bought a guitar and started learning on my own :)

Resolution 6: I would like to stick to my Karate class for another grading at least - lets take one step at a time - don't know if I would have what it takes to continue till a black belt - though I sure hope I manage to have the dedication and patience.
Evaluation: Failed miserably ... havent seen my beloved Karate class for more than a couple of days this whole year ...

Resolution 7: I would like to think before I act/speak, and make better judgments in my actions. Trust me I have a habit of acting on impulse, when am really pushed around ... and speaking out freely isn't always cool.
Evaluation: Failed more often than I succeeded ... I hit the end of my patience quite a few times this year ...

Resolution 8: I would like to learn to be traveling to a lot more places, experiencing a lot more things in life ... and discovering more about the world.
Evaluation: Traveled to Chikmaglur and Mysore at least even though that isn't all that much.

Resolution 9: I would like to go with an adventure club for at least one outing if not more ...
Evaluation: Didn't happen ... maybe this year ...

Thats about it I guess ... for last year ...

New Year and me ...

This is another year ... when I take stock of what I am now ...

Resolutions are for me to know ... and not to put down here ... since its all a bit personal to put in a forum such as this ...

Anyway as usual I have decided to better myself. Also I need to go and see if I made any progress on last years resolutions ... there is time for that yet ... maybe in another blog entry ...

Now I thought I would vent a few of my thoughts here ... on what I feel as a new year begins ...

It always does make a difference to consider a new year beginning ... it triggers a lot of feelings such as a new chance for you, a time to evaluate yourself and decide on how to change yourself for the better, an opening for you to see life anew ...

Its a mixed set of feelings that you are feeling due to the importance you and the world give to this occasion ...

I think that as a whole my storm keeps calming more and more as I go ahead in life, living more ... knowing more ... experiencing more ...

I find the ripples less violent and more calming and the highs and lows subsiding ... rising again only less occasionally for a lone cyclone or a storm cloud, but generally moving towards a more tropical temperament ...

This is good in many ways. For one it helps me see life better, with my emotional intense feelings colouring the way I look at things less now that the intensity is less.

I don't get hurt as easily, but on the down side I don't feel happy as easily either. There are less surprises in life now ... only those that I allow ... and I have reduced the risks I take in life ...

The thing I observe as changing very rapidly is on my concept about a significant other ... It has always been a clouded one ... an undefinable one ... but even then I can find that undefinable concept about my significant other changing within me ...

I expect less ... my fundamental attitude towards him is more smooth at the corners ... adding more internal definitions ... I know its all vague ... that's because its still vague to me if I have to explain ...

Its something called instinct and experience combined making me decide without conscious thought, so I cannot try and define it ...

Over all I discover that I know less about me that I thought ... and who I am is still eluding me ... the more I try to find out ... maybe this year I will discover more ... and know myself better ... and better myself in the process ...

Fork in the road ...

I dont really get it ... when I seem to have these mood swings ... and feel helpless to do anything about it ...

I roughly know that my life isnt having any serious issues ... far lesser storms ... and i have been braving them long enough that its getting easier to deal with them now ...

But that doesnt mean I am invincible ... sensitivity is something I still have in me ... and that makes me still have those ups and downs ...

The uncertainities are those which makes me even more confused ...how do I chose which is the right road ... how will I know which one to take ... and whom do I ask for directions ... what if the different people I ask show me different roads ... lots of confusion ...

I am also not getting a clear indication from my instinct ... its fluctuating ... not giving me a clear notion of what to do ... and I am unable to be sure about what choice to make ...

And this is being a very important one, I am stuck since its a choice that would take me to a one way street. I make the choice and then I cannot go back ...

Well ... its always going to be storms and whirlwinds I suppose ... and in the end if I dont choose a road ... I will be hearded along one anyway ... coz there is only so long that i can resist the flow and stop before the fork in the road ...

Can one's thoughts evolve and stabilize?

I realize that I keep thinking in circles ... the same basic ideas ... but maybe with subtle changes to how I look at it. And eventually I guess I realize that
I can think how much ever I want but still the result will be the same ...

My thoughts dont seem to evolve once it is set in one particular path unless I make a concious effort to see things from a different perspective. Then again how do I know if the thoughts I have are proceeding in the right direction ... a very difficult question to answer.

I tend to think a lot, and am guilty of probably visualizing different positive and negative scenarios if my life takes a particular path ... some of them might be highly improbable and also very negative ...

But then I also believe in being an optimist who would still consider the possibility of things going real bad, so that even if it does go bad, I am prepared. Contrary statement ... I know. But its difficult to explain the way my mind works with these potentials.

Anyway I usually live my life with vigour ... and it doesnt matter what life throws at me, I have learned to take it and give back with a vengeance ... I might fall, but I get back on my feet and fight right back ... and wont give up till the time comes till I am no more ... I guess I was born with a very strong will to fight for survival ...

So my thoughts keep evolving, making me more stable when I am faced with a crisis ... I am learning to think before I act ... not to respond in anger, but objectively.

I have learned to understand that the whites and blacks in life are few and far between and you mostly see gray as black or white ... but those are only your perception of back or white, its actually same as a half glass being called half full or half empty - either may be right or we can argue either may be wrong ...

Life can be an illusion to a lot of people who never open their mind up to include the world but build up a world of their own and refuse to accomodate anything that dont fit into the world they have built up.

When you enter such worlds, you may see a whole lot more than they do, but you have to conform or choose a path that would prove a pretty hard one to traverse ...

So many a time you take the easy path, and try and conform to a world you know is not what you feel is right ... but would you rather travel the path untravelled or scarcely travelled?

My thoughts are clearer now than when I used to be in stormy seas ... i am not completely clear of the storms yet ... but i am holding onto those floating wrecks and can now see the shore, though far away still ...

But I have hope that I will reach the shore ... some time soon, now that I can see it in my vicinity ...

Guess thats how your thought evolve, if you refuse to give up the fight ...

Lost ...

The world happen to be largely something that keeps throwing you off track. You may not plan to create any harm, yet you might be treated unfairly or so you would feel.

I do not understand whether whatever is happening is for my own good or not. If what is good is heart wrenching I don't see much good in it. I guess

I am more closer to my animal instincts and my behavior often is along that path. I like or don't like. When there is a situation where I am not finding it in me to dislike but I should because that is what I should be doing in the situation, I get baffled. I also don't understand when people show dislike when they are trying to get away from what they like. Equally confusing.

But it does disturb me nevertheless when something that's supposed to be good, is going way bad. It also makes me melancholy. Which tends to make me do things I do not like doing.

Can't be helped however. This is the world I live in. And it beats me, how I will survive in it. I often feel I don't belong. But survive I must and make the most of whatever moments available to me.

Life is not too long that you need to complicate it unnecessarily. God knows mostly it gets complicated well enough without trying to make it so.

I wonder ... I wonder

Sometimes I wonder why it is that its always the guy who gets to ask for a walk around the tree. Why is always that the maidens are afraid to take a step in the direction of speaking what truly they wish to speak of.

There are many a question ... my mind asks many such things ...

Right now I am happy the way I am ... living life one day at a time ... letting my love of life and everything in it unleashed ... letting those I love know that I love them ...

Just not worrying about what tomorrow may bring, but enjoying today and what is there now ...

I came across this thought ... and its significance - a thrown weapon and a spoken word cannot be taken back ... true enough, so I seek to think before I speak ... but the spoken words of hatred are to be checked while I do not wish to take back words of love ever.

There are times you speak ... words of hate or love ... when they are right to be spoken of then ... but then again even a word of love at the wrong time might not be the right choice. Well lots to ponder over.

And I guess I will always wonder about matters of the heart ... they are things I think I have finally come to terms with only to be thrown off balance again within a short time span ...

But well I guess you never wonder unless u live ur life knowing you are living it ... spirit is what matters most ...

Swayamdipta Sahoo

Colleague in Ness since last two years

Since this guy has been bugging me to write about him for the past two days, and he is quite single minded when he sets out to get something done, I have come around to writing about him.

He is someone who is quite a presence in office. He makes quite a lot of noise and is quite dedicated.

Was quite a lot of help when I joined, and though I used to get a bit intimidated by the fellow, he sure knows his way around the project and is quite brilliant in his own way. He has a sharp mind, and is quite good at any work assigned to him. He has a very strong sense of responsibility. He also expects the same from everyone working with him.

He is also quite jovial and also has a very good sense of humor. He seems to have a bit archaic views about women and there are a few interesting concepts about his future wife - the list progressively getting shorter with time. Well, given the original requirements, I guess he is better off now that it is cut short. This guy is actively searching for a significant other, and if there is a girl who doesn't talk too much ;) ... he would like to meet her.

Well the guy is a decent guy, maybe a bit too old fashioned when it comes to dating, but well, every choice has its merits :). He loves to travel, and keeps planning trips with friends and I am quite envious about recently planned trip which includes the Valley of Flowers, being quite interested in traveling myself.

Well ... what more can I say, I had taken him to be a little resistant to changing his life style, but recently he has surprised me with making quite a few changes to his views ...

Anyway he is a good guy at heart, and a good friend to have. And as a colleague he is quite invaluable. :)