Life always more gray than black or white

It is said its a woman's prerogative to change her mind. This may be true when it comes to making a decision on what to do with my life. I just seem to make and unmake my mind quite quickly on different options. Including whether I want to write GRE or not.

Interestingly I don't know if the reason for my interest in writing it is justified. Going abroad for a short spell shouldn't be the reason for higher studies. Neither should it be because I would like to spend some more time at a college ... I should want something that I would like to study in particular.

But again my reasons for marriage are just as ridiculous.

Either ways in addition to all these, reading too many romantic novels, most of them based on the 18th century, with Knights in shining armor carrying away the ladies to pure blissful and loving life does make one build up fantasies. It makes me wonder if every man and women would want love and if they are thrown together would eventually love each other or if they would go looking somewhere else for that love, without having the patience to find out if the person they are thrown in with has the love they might be looking for.

Also this love business more often creates pain than bliss. At least from my experiences. But I just seem to not learn to protect my heart, and always tend to leave it without a shred of armor trusting everyone with it.

Now I do believe its possible to build a good relationship with a person, if u at least like that person, and love isn't always something that would automatically stay with you, you have to work on it to keep the love burning instead of smoldering and then dying away.

The good thing for me is, I don't expect too much initially. I take things as they come. And try to make the most with what I have got. I do have expectations, but very few are mandatory, and I am willing to wait till I make sure if those can be achieved or not. This applies to most things in life, including a relationship.

Sadly, though I am optimistic, and believe in "try, try, try again till you succeed", I do know when I reach the end of a cul de sac, that its time to turn back and find another way.

But well, I am happy with my disposition, and have resigned to the fact that I am always gonna be a thinking quite a lot ... cant help that, that's the way I am ...
And I also know I have a strong spirit, which will always strive on no matter what comes by ... I don't give up on life ... I do believe in fighting it through.

Well I guess this post is kind of like a muddle of thoughts and a bit of motivation to myself that life will always go on ... and its okay to be muddled, because that's what happens when there is no white or black and its hard to decide which gray is better of the lot and would lead you to white or at least close to it.

Cross Road In my life

Its a time I am again thinking what to do with my life ... a moment I am considering higher studies as an option ... but am happy with my work ... not quite wanting to go anywhere yet, but my gut feelings telling me its time to brush up my knowledge and go to another new phase and new setting in my life ... a couple of years abroad in college wouldn't hurt ...

Also it would keep my mind away from the main focus of my life, the lack of a sex life even after completing a quarter century on earth, and would eliminate that as the reason for marriage - coz that really is a stupid reason to want to get married or maybe not when you are desperate. However I would like that not to be the sole reason for marriage. But right now I can't think of any other reason.

Anyway I would soon see if I am going to proceed with this new venture of preparing for GRE and TOEFL, the gate ways to study abroad or not. If my current thought process goes strong, I would pursue it and study to my best. Lets hope things work out for the best.

Also all these thoughts make me forget scanning the crowd for a prospective life partner ... postponing that to a later date.

Now a thought comes to my mind ... having read an article by a lady (possibly feminist?) about being wary of the mating games that meeting any available single human of the opposite sex invariably triggers, making both of you circle in mutual appraisal ... which unless you make a conscious effort, continues to be a ritual till you find a satisfactory significant other. Hence I think I will have to tell myself this is going to happen unless I make a conscious effort to not do what I have the gut feeling to do. In my case, this is very hard to implement since I happen to be an instinct person - I seldom ignore my gut feelings.

Well this is life, with its numerous cross roads, but I hope my affinity to one or other members of the opposite sex would not be a reason for me to not pursue my interests in the world at large. But again ... how things would turn out ... is always "wait and see" for me ... nothing can be predicted ...

Confusing signals

Well ... we are back to the topic of my crush ... now I guess am through enough that it doesn't matter to me what happens ...

The guy is seriously confused, and keeps sending me signals contradicting his statement of wanting to have nothing to do with me ... he sure seems to take more than a passing interest ... and if I respond to it, I get my head bitten off ...

Guess he is in denial ... and his tongue is too sharp, probably coz he still ends up hanging around when he doesn't want to, same as what is happening with me most of the time. I seriously am tired of all the drama, and am leaving him alone, with his confusion. I think am better off moving on ... and have kind of gotten tired with all the playing hard to get games ... so I guess weariness also helps get over things ...

My mind is in the process of moving out, and has started the scanning process already of finding the next candidate to loose my heart to ... though he being in the immediate area does complicate my scanning process ... by causing interference with his confusing signals of taking interest and a tad of regret that things didn't work out. kinda mourning the loss and occasionally getting a small flicker of hope up resulting in sending back some signals of interest, subconsciously ... which is now reducing, as I am tiring of the game.

Hope the next one I take interest would be someone that is agreeable to my mind,and my heart, and hope things would work out.

Hate it when I get too sensitive

Well I guess everyone has good days and bad... and well guess what... today was a particularly bad one ...

The morning went bad thanks to a confrontation with a colleague over some mail I sent ... Am still wondering if I was right or wrong in sending it ... but i don't feel bad about it mostly because I was already at my wits end being shuttled around for answers and not getting anything I could use to state my case, with those answers i did get. Anyway, there might have been alternative approaches to avoid this unpleasant confrontation, by raising an issue for tracking and just sending it off ... would have been a better approach ... well anyway whats done was done... can't redo that ... Still fact remains that I prefer to stay out of office politics ...

Then it ended up as a long gruelling day with little tangible work accomplished, and I was weary because of it ... and I get back to have an unnecessary argument over cake distribution on my birthday which was a couple of weeks past - for pity's sake ... guess lot of people can be shallow and make fuss over trivia ... I clearly would like to have less superficiality when it comes to friends ... my best friend wished me yesterday, and last year I wished her one month after her birthday... but neither of us became enemies because of something insignificant as that ...

It would feel nice to be wished on your birthday or other special days that mean something to u ... but as far as I am concerned there is a lot more to life and relationships than these things ...

Unfortunately in spite of it being something that normally I would not be too bothered about, my real long frustrated work day kind of made that sting more than it should have. Right now I don't think I am very well disposed towards this particular person who thinks a friend needs a formal invitation in order to celebrate birthday surprise parties ... guess I wont use the choice words coming to my mind in this blog ... I would like to keep this place neat ...

Anyway all said and done, I am winded up something bad, and if I don't unwind somewhere I might not last the rest of the week with my usual calm... hence all this grumbling here ... am just letting out steam ... yeah mostly nothing major did happen ... but a lot of minor problems can add up to a real major bad day ...

Right now its best I don't talk to nobody and just mind my own business to the best interest of everyone involved(myself included). I guess I kinda reached the limits of my emotional endurance... and I really don't wanna start shouting at anyone ... since I know am capable of making real cutting remarks when am really pissed off ... which I am at the moment ... crap ...

This post should be the epitome of my horrible moods ... maybe i would come back when am in a better state of mind to write in decent style - i.e sad moods and happy moods ... angry moods make me too irritated to write well ... i just write raw emotion ... not cool I guess ...

A day which is Special ... but quiet and peaceful

Its rare that I get days when my mind is not in a turmoil ... and I am not in a hurry to get anything done ... Unfortunately I couldn't pen down my thoughts on this day, as I guess I was too much at peace to pen down much.

So now I am recollecting from memory, that one cherished day, when I felt at peace to the world, like a traveler who has decided to take a little rest to stretch ones leg during a long journey, without worrying about the distance that needs to be completed, knowing that this rest will help in refreshing and regaining his lost energy, and help him to move ahead with renewed spirits.

Once you stop worrying, and decide that this day will be yours, you are in a state of mind ... which is at peace ... and its rare to feel something like this ... when you cherish yourself and keep a day only for yourself. So I pamper myself, take a long happy oil bath, feel all fresh ... stretch out and read a nice romance ... cry when the heroine of the novel is distressed by being misunderstood and then rejoice when things (as always happens in a romance novel) ends happily ... feeling that its sometimes nice to read a happy book, even though you know how its going to turn out in general, even before you start reading the book.

A little talk with your dear darling room mates, and then get something you crave - probably just a gopi Manchurian (a cauliflower dish - Chinese), which happens to be something I always like. And that makes you have a nice calm, relaxed day ...

Though there wasn't anything "happening" on the day - still the day was Special - just because it was a breath of fresh air in an otherwise hectic lifestyle.

Storms - Why is my life full of them?

I always wonder why my life is full of them - is it because I try living it to the max? Or is it because I never fit into the prototype defined by the society I live in? Anyway having the urge not to hurt any of the people I love also adds to the complication that is my life. Its quite not possible to please everybody else and also do what makes you happy. I guess I still have to try for something that would be a good enough compromise for all parties concerned.

I was always a rebel and never liked to be told what to do. Nor do I like someone else defining my boundaries for me. I like to explore the world I live in and to find my own place in it. Which could be difficult in a place where a female still has to fight a lot to be independent when a guy has it forced on him whether he likes it or not. Guess its bad for both parties since a girl who wants to be independent and a guy who wants to be dependent are both at a disadvantage. I guess I have to be fair to both sexes here.

But yes, its a struggle all the way, the path I have chosen. And if someone tries to own me with the wrong approach, he is in for a long hard struggle in which he has very little chances of succeeding ... since I'd rather die than let someone force his will into me.

Why all this out burst now? Well its because I feel destiny is asking me to forget my new found truly madly (and uselessly unidirectional) love, and settle for a marriage to some stranger (yes, the pressures of family, relatives and what not to get me married - arranged of course), which kind of is rubbing me the wrong way. I know no one is at fault here and its how thing work around here. Exactly why the rebel in me finds it irksome.

Guess I am going to be in another of those roller coaster rides again ... and since I don't wanna hurt anybody, I will have to subject myself to the process and be artificial, act like some traditional female which am not, speak little which is very hard for me, and fool another guy with the wrong first impression. Maybe I should just slip him the link to this blog here and he would get the right impression? Who am I kidding ... if its some stuck up guy who is momma's pet he would probably go tell his mom, who would tell my mom, and some relative of mine would find this and force me to put it out of commission - so its just you and me blog.

I guess all this is reason enough for an out burst, and I cant complain - my life is intense - if only because I see it that way every minute and its all in my head.

Most of the people out there have similar or dissimilar - but nevertheless intense problems of their own which may not seem a big deal to me, same as mine may not seem a big deal to someone else. Who is anybody to judge what another perceives ... I guess my way of dealing with it is to express it out here ... Hence these wisps of flashing thoughts as a post ...

Love Really Is Blind

Its not quite possible to explain things rationally when you are in love ... and this is the time when you start wondering how artificial human beings have become from what they are designed to be.

Lets start with your instinct telling you to love somebody, which your rational mind says is not gonna be a great idea because of one hundred reasons - i.e why in the society we live in, this love isn't going to work out long term or cannot get a chance to fulfill.

Well rational mind is right, but does that change your feeling? No.

From my experience so far, the more you fight you love instincts with logic, the more miserable you become. There really isn't any compromise your heart is going to agree to once it is fixated on giving itself to a person.

So as you can guess, I have the above mentioned issue at the moment. And I guess am through the fighting phase of it. I have finally got it drilled into my head that, girl stop fighting, its of no use.

So now I have resigned to the fact that I am truly, madly (deeply? - don't know how deep - hope not so much) in love. And as it more often than not happens with me, the feelings are not returned (never keeps me from trying again though).

Well, experience does teach you some things, and after giving the dude a real hard time, and taking a lot of humiliation of rejection in the process (well, I did ask for all that), I thankfully went through the storm cycle with lot less loss of health and anguish than any time before.

I guess the anguish lasted as long as took for me to realize forgetting is not an option. And I still respect the guy to no end, and still no change in the truly madly in love part. This in spite of having been constantly shown the door to my profession of love etc etc.

The reason to this could be due to the fact that the guy had my best interests in mind, when he did show me the door. First time in my life, I have felt like someone do care, and did not want to take advantage of the situation. Someone telling me whats good for me, and not whats good for him. He was doing the right thing (for me, more than for him) by saying no. Guess that went a long way in not feeling like shit in spite of the rejection.

The bugging him part, I still couldn't help ... love has no reason, and it likes being expressed, and I always speak my mind. I did reduce it to the max I could, which if he hears (that the bugging was the max restrained one from my end) would give him a heart attack - since the little bugging which I did itself was too much for him to take.

Well still I guess I would continue pining for him for god knows how long. Kinda like every spare moment I think of him, whether I like to or not. So no choice in that. Till I guess someone I have stronger affinity comes along, or my destiny takes a turn and I have no choice but to force myself to move on.

So I have accepted that. Would always hope that someday my feelings will be returned, and that someday wouldn't be too late. But at least I have laid to rest the urge to bug him or to fight the love. And funny enough that has made me more at peace and happier than when I was fighting it.

Is this called selfless love? No idea ... Guess not ... I am just making things as comfortable as possible for myself (like if you are locked in a box you might as well find the most comfortable place in it and save your energy, if you know for a fact there is no way out) ... and this is the best I can do in the current situation ... guess that's all my whirlwind of thoughts have to express for now ...