Fork in the road ...

I dont really get it ... when I seem to have these mood swings ... and feel helpless to do anything about it ...

I roughly know that my life isnt having any serious issues ... far lesser storms ... and i have been braving them long enough that its getting easier to deal with them now ...

But that doesnt mean I am invincible ... sensitivity is something I still have in me ... and that makes me still have those ups and downs ...

The uncertainities are those which makes me even more confused ...how do I chose which is the right road ... how will I know which one to take ... and whom do I ask for directions ... what if the different people I ask show me different roads ... lots of confusion ...

I am also not getting a clear indication from my instinct ... its fluctuating ... not giving me a clear notion of what to do ... and I am unable to be sure about what choice to make ...

And this is being a very important one, I am stuck since its a choice that would take me to a one way street. I make the choice and then I cannot go back ...

Well ... its always going to be storms and whirlwinds I suppose ... and in the end if I dont choose a road ... I will be hearded along one anyway ... coz there is only so long that i can resist the flow and stop before the fork in the road ...

Can one's thoughts evolve and stabilize?

I realize that I keep thinking in circles ... the same basic ideas ... but maybe with subtle changes to how I look at it. And eventually I guess I realize that
I can think how much ever I want but still the result will be the same ...

My thoughts dont seem to evolve once it is set in one particular path unless I make a concious effort to see things from a different perspective. Then again how do I know if the thoughts I have are proceeding in the right direction ... a very difficult question to answer.

I tend to think a lot, and am guilty of probably visualizing different positive and negative scenarios if my life takes a particular path ... some of them might be highly improbable and also very negative ...

But then I also believe in being an optimist who would still consider the possibility of things going real bad, so that even if it does go bad, I am prepared. Contrary statement ... I know. But its difficult to explain the way my mind works with these potentials.

Anyway I usually live my life with vigour ... and it doesnt matter what life throws at me, I have learned to take it and give back with a vengeance ... I might fall, but I get back on my feet and fight right back ... and wont give up till the time comes till I am no more ... I guess I was born with a very strong will to fight for survival ...

So my thoughts keep evolving, making me more stable when I am faced with a crisis ... I am learning to think before I act ... not to respond in anger, but objectively.

I have learned to understand that the whites and blacks in life are few and far between and you mostly see gray as black or white ... but those are only your perception of back or white, its actually same as a half glass being called half full or half empty - either may be right or we can argue either may be wrong ...

Life can be an illusion to a lot of people who never open their mind up to include the world but build up a world of their own and refuse to accomodate anything that dont fit into the world they have built up.

When you enter such worlds, you may see a whole lot more than they do, but you have to conform or choose a path that would prove a pretty hard one to traverse ...

So many a time you take the easy path, and try and conform to a world you know is not what you feel is right ... but would you rather travel the path untravelled or scarcely travelled?

My thoughts are clearer now than when I used to be in stormy seas ... i am not completely clear of the storms yet ... but i am holding onto those floating wrecks and can now see the shore, though far away still ...

But I have hope that I will reach the shore ... some time soon, now that I can see it in my vicinity ...

Guess thats how your thought evolve, if you refuse to give up the fight ...

Lost ...

The world happen to be largely something that keeps throwing you off track. You may not plan to create any harm, yet you might be treated unfairly or so you would feel.

I do not understand whether whatever is happening is for my own good or not. If what is good is heart wrenching I don't see much good in it. I guess

I am more closer to my animal instincts and my behavior often is along that path. I like or don't like. When there is a situation where I am not finding it in me to dislike but I should because that is what I should be doing in the situation, I get baffled. I also don't understand when people show dislike when they are trying to get away from what they like. Equally confusing.

But it does disturb me nevertheless when something that's supposed to be good, is going way bad. It also makes me melancholy. Which tends to make me do things I do not like doing.

Can't be helped however. This is the world I live in. And it beats me, how I will survive in it. I often feel I don't belong. But survive I must and make the most of whatever moments available to me.

Life is not too long that you need to complicate it unnecessarily. God knows mostly it gets complicated well enough without trying to make it so.

I wonder ... I wonder

Sometimes I wonder why it is that its always the guy who gets to ask for a walk around the tree. Why is always that the maidens are afraid to take a step in the direction of speaking what truly they wish to speak of.

There are many a question ... my mind asks many such things ...

Right now I am happy the way I am ... living life one day at a time ... letting my love of life and everything in it unleashed ... letting those I love know that I love them ...

Just not worrying about what tomorrow may bring, but enjoying today and what is there now ...

I came across this thought ... and its significance - a thrown weapon and a spoken word cannot be taken back ... true enough, so I seek to think before I speak ... but the spoken words of hatred are to be checked while I do not wish to take back words of love ever.

There are times you speak ... words of hate or love ... when they are right to be spoken of then ... but then again even a word of love at the wrong time might not be the right choice. Well lots to ponder over.

And I guess I will always wonder about matters of the heart ... they are things I think I have finally come to terms with only to be thrown off balance again within a short time span ...

But well I guess you never wonder unless u live ur life knowing you are living it ... spirit is what matters most ...

Swayamdipta Sahoo

Colleague in Ness since last two years

Since this guy has been bugging me to write about him for the past two days, and he is quite single minded when he sets out to get something done, I have come around to writing about him.

He is someone who is quite a presence in office. He makes quite a lot of noise and is quite dedicated.

Was quite a lot of help when I joined, and though I used to get a bit intimidated by the fellow, he sure knows his way around the project and is quite brilliant in his own way. He has a sharp mind, and is quite good at any work assigned to him. He has a very strong sense of responsibility. He also expects the same from everyone working with him.

He is also quite jovial and also has a very good sense of humor. He seems to have a bit archaic views about women and there are a few interesting concepts about his future wife - the list progressively getting shorter with time. Well, given the original requirements, I guess he is better off now that it is cut short. This guy is actively searching for a significant other, and if there is a girl who doesn't talk too much ;) ... he would like to meet her.

Well the guy is a decent guy, maybe a bit too old fashioned when it comes to dating, but well, every choice has its merits :). He loves to travel, and keeps planning trips with friends and I am quite envious about recently planned trip which includes the Valley of Flowers, being quite interested in traveling myself.

Well ... what more can I say, I had taken him to be a little resistant to changing his life style, but recently he has surprised me with making quite a few changes to his views ...

Anyway he is a good guy at heart, and a good friend to have. And as a colleague he is quite invaluable. :)

Some bits and pieces of thoughts ... as usual ;)

I know I have a short memory which I am thankful for most of the time. Helps me heal quickly and move on with life. But in order to forget I follow the policy out of sight out of mind. Now I need a forgetting by choice program for my head. Hell its tough, the more u try to forget something, the more you think about it and in turn remember it instead of forgetting it. Complicated stuff. Now I get what they meant in the book "The Secret". Not that half of what they say works. Probably because someone else must be sending request to the contrary would be their explanation I bet.

It tires out your spirit and your brain cells. All this confusion. To get hurt or not to be. God knows I don't take the easy way out and turn back and run. I am no coward. I keep trying no matter how tough the road, no matter how bad my experiences. This resilience is what makes me live life in the way I believe it should be lived.

But I guess I sometimes do feel like screaming and making a fuss too. I mostly do all that inside my head, so that no one else needs to see me screaming and making a fuss. I might be slightly weird since I constantly replay possible future confrontations in my head, I counsel myself, you could term it as self help and self evaluation and motivation ... and as long as I do it inside my head it wouldn't be termed crazy. I have very vivid imagination, which makes many things almost real. Do note the word "almost". I hope my imagination stays at almost. Don't want to confuse reality with imagination. I am too sensible to do that, though at times I prefer an imaginary world to the real one I live in (doesn't everybody?).

Its good to wait a while ...

When in confusion its best not to take any decisions and act on it immediately. Wait a while and you will find that you might have made a number of decisions, and more often contrary to each other in the duration you waited. Each decision probably based on a whim at that moment, and probably with little logical back up. Its just based on feelings and emotions and more or less the frustration at not knowing what to do and the urge to do something. Atleast thats how it is for me.

I happen to like the lines quoted in a book I read recently, where a man speaks to a eleven year old boy, who finds the situation he is in most confusing: "You are eleven years old. You will find life confusing. It gets more confusing as one grows older".

So me being me, and knowing fully well that its hard for me to wait and hence I will make some rash decisions, which though I wont regret (I dont regret my decisions since I believe there is not much of a point regretting them), will actually not end up being good for me, I have decided to give a shot at not making a decision at all. Very difficult to control my urges to do something - anything - just because I hate being idle and not doing anything.

So now that I have successfully held back from making rash decisions, I decided to make a study of all the decisions I might have made in the last few days. I am not going into the complex and outrageous decisions that passed through my head. But lets just say most weren't pretty, and many where just the reverse of a previously made decision. Which is highly disconcerting to me. I guess I should let things work out on its on and not make any move yet. Wait for the other players to make their move in life, so that I get a clearer picture of where I stand.

In a way I guess I am growing up finally, and learning a few things from life. Mainly patience. Atleast I am trying to. I always feel the need to change myself, when I feel how I am right now is not what is best for me and I can improve and be a better person. I had done a drastic change long back when I moved from school to college - from a person more inclined towards an introvert nature into someone who was very much an extrovert. But now I think I need to change or refine some of my basic characteristics - lets call it fine tuning ... extrovert is good, but still there are some more desirable characteristics I need to acquire, which I am working on ...

I guess I am one of those people who find change desirable ... I feel that one should always strive to improve and not become rigid and refuse a change even when its needed, just because we are used to the way we are.

Now I am trying to see a light in every bleak situation ... and try to find humour in my predicaments ... maybe if I try and not get so emotionally involved and think - what if this is happening to a friend and I am just an observer - I might be able to see things more clearly. Anyway each one of us have to play the game that is life, in our own ways ...