Thursday, April 18, 2013

Why does inspiration wear out

I just now went back to read my inspired posts on Atlas Shrugged. Only to realize I have already started to forget what I felt when I read that book.

I wonder why this happens. Am I the only person this happens to? I very much doubt that. But anyway I think reading this blog entry over, does bring me back some of my resolve. But I feel that the resolve is progressively weakening.

I am back in my world of fiction and fantasy. I seem to love that world though I know its just an illusion, one that helps pass time at best. Maybe I am delusional and always lost in a cloud. The kind that lives in a world half real and half unseeing. I don't know the exact words to use. Maybe I question reality. Maybe I am not completely sane. What is sane?

Still I should do things. I cannot always just live in some dream world. There are irrefutable realities. At least hunger is real. Cold is real. Heat is real. Smoke is real. Pure air is real. So there are things that are needed.

Now I guess I am doing things that do not have a purpose in the long term. I am spending time watching anime, cooking, spending time with my husband. They do keep me reasonably happy. But its a loop. One I will be weary of in some time. One that will not leave me with anything to fall back to. So I need to do something more.

The biggest problem I face is I still don't know what it is I want with my life. I need to do something. But is it programming? I don't think so. Sure, I can be a good programmer. Its not such a big deal. I got what it takes. But will it add to my life? Maybe it will add more money. But if I look at the bigger picture it isn't quite gonna cut, unless is something really different from the programming I am used to.

Well ... then what? I don't know. And that is my problem. Hope I find out what it is soon ... I feel like time is running out. I feel a frustration deep in my soul. I feel like I am tired of looking. I feel weary. I need to know.

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