SELF, SELFISHNESS AND SELFLESSNESS

I once listened to a speech where it goes like this - "Every person is selfish, whether he admits it or not". I couldn't quite understand it at the time. I was like what the hell? How about all the famous people out there who sacrificed everything and were called the epitome of selflessness?

But today, as has been my case for quite a few days in fact, I was still trying to figure out my role. What people call path to realizing one's self or putting it simply - asking myself questions like "who am I?", "Why do I live?", "What's my purpose in life?", "Why do I exist?" etc ...questions that most people ask themselves at some point in their life. Being a female, and therefore prone to multitasking and unable to focus on just one problem, a hundred different thoughts kept flitting across my mind. Among these thoughts happen to be a realization of the truth in the the statement that every person is selfish.

Now I keep hitting jackpot on such questions in life every now and then. But unfortunately I also keep forgetting that I found an answer after a few days, the question itself disappearing from memory. The why of this phenomenon I do not know. But for what ever reason's I wanted to note down this new finding somewhere so it doesn't get lost.

Now dictionary meaning of selfish would be "devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others." And selfless would be "having little or no concern for oneself". Okay, now consider a person you feel is the epitome of selflessness, say he/she self sacrificed for the betterment of a lot of other people. Now what motivates such a person to do so? If they have absolutely no personal stake, this act is never gonna take place. 

There is always a sense of achievement for which any action is done. Be it survival or sacrifice. In this case it could be that the person's purpose in life to him/her was this. That person truly believed that this is what he/she was born to do and making a difference to the world because of his/her action was to them the ultimate purpose of life. So actually here the said person is achieving the best for himself by doing what he/she does, and that has in a way nothing to do with anyone else. If this was not so, he or she would never do what was done. 

Call me a cynic but this do make sense to me. Of course it does bring about a big impact on a lot of people's life and hence benefit a lot of people. But the person doing such an act definitely achieved something higher for himself according to his/her own sense of self and understanding which was why he/she chose to do so. 

Now this is not to say that I am belittling any act of kindness. Its just that for some people making a difference to this world speaks to their sense of self as achieving a higher purpose. And everyone wants to have a purpose in life. Its basic nature of any living thing.

Now a Psychopath just happens to have an opposite calling in life. For what ever reason's he/she feels a sense of achievement through acts of violence and hence follows that path. Unfortunately these are things in life that is beyond my understanding for the moment. But of course every action has a reaction, and psychopath's action causes negative feelings to those impacted, so he/she is seen as someone who needs to be removed from existence. 

Again to a smaller degree we find people who are happy when they see others happy. Also you see people who find happiness in other people's miseries. And you either help or hinder another person based on your natural tendencies of selfishness. Where you find motivation and happiness makes you choose your actions. 

Unfortunately I don't know what makes a person motivated by one thing and another person motivated by another. The why of it is beyond my understanding. But at least I have come to understand and accept that this is the way of the world. Everyone is unique. So unique kind of looses its meaning as a distinguishing factor. And mostly people make the mistake of thinking everyone is the same and what you believe in is what everyone should believe in. But if you can accept that people are different and factor that in with your expectations, I guess life will be a lot easier.

Understanding Instinct better ...

I have come to realize that doing what ever the heck I feel like doing isn't really called following my instinct.

Its just going where circumstances take me without caution, kind of opposite to what I should be doing ...

So I have decided not to apply my instinct on actions I take where infatuations and possible crushes are concerned. That is the wrong area to take up my instinct on. Definitely not going to help me in the present social scenario, since the instinct human beings have for this is to blunder right on and get on with the guy/girl you like. Not the right approach as I have learned the hard way.

So what would be the right places to apply instinct? When on the road, traveling, yes, stay on alert. When you need to trust someone - that seems to work fine with my instinct - so far.

I can go by my feeling when I make decisions in life. For example I can ask myself if something I decide makes me feel good - say should I study study next or continue working - which makes me happier next?

But when it comes to something involving a relationship and the opposite sex, I probably need everything I got - instinct to trust, a feel good factor and all the brain cells that's still working. Still I might not have much of a chance.

I should ideally also learn to play the games in today's twisted society. Unfortunately that leaves a bad taste in my mouth to even contemplate that. So I guess I will have to make do without that. But that's kind of like a handicap in the current world.

But I need to do whats right by me. I might do a lot of things that's right for me and not so right for the world. And funny enough in this case its the other way around.

How ever, a woman's got to do what she's got to do ...

This is my final learning after a lot of quiet and peace at home, once I managed a long vacation from work.

I guess vacation is just the thing for me to have half my gray areas falling into black or white. Or close enough for me to judge, without having to really put a conscious effort. Things are starting to fall in place - good for me :)

Every action counts - empathy is a powerful emotion

I get myself involved when I see or hear something. Even when I have to walk away, there is always this pull in me to do something - anything. Its difficult when I see some problem not to try to solve it. When I see someone needing help, not to do something about it.

Yet it is true that one cannot help the world, and there is only so much one person can do. One cannot help in every case you see. There are limits and I have realized that. But there is always the fact that every small action counts.

Like a seashore is made up of so many tiny particles of sand, Like a dam has so many bricks to stop the water and every brick counts, Like in a chore done by ten hands, every hand plays a part - so it is with every small action that you do towards helping someone.

Every small thing could make a difference. You may argue, that if I help one poor person, its not going to erradicate poverty. But do remember how ever small a help you give to one person, it will make a difference in that one persons life. And that matters.

So I follow the flow, help where I can. Try to help in such a way that what help I give may help someone help themselves further. Thats my goal, to help efficiently.

Flash mob and me ...

I have not had so much fun in quite some time. It was one of the most exciting things I have done in my life, though it was not in my "to do" list in life. Still I am someone who believes that when oppurtunity presents itself to make something out of yourself, you grab it.

Hence through sheer chance I have managed to take part in a flash mob. For one it was not in my itinerary to join a hip-hop or b-boying or rather b-girling class, but I saw the class and fell in love with it ... and now am trying my best to do as much as I can with it.

It is this dance class group that planned the flashmob and I got an oppurtunity to take part in it. It is not quite as wild as what you see on TV, nor is it illegal in India. Its just a bit unconventional, and I have a huge tendency towards the unconventional.

All said and done - it was fun, it was cool and I had the exhilarating feeling of a free bird flying in the sky, and with no worry for that few minutes while we performed the flash mob.

You can watch the video here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=b5XY0M_gV84

Enjoy!!!

Gut Feelings ...

I am feeling highly uneasy. Not sure why. It has always been this way when I am dreading something. Its a gut feeling I wouldn't want to ignore.

The frustrating part is I don't know why I am getting this feeling. It is kinda like an internal warning telling me to run for it. But I don't get what from ... I guess it will become clear soon enough, though by then it might be too late.

Run ... but where? What from? I wish I had more insight to my instinct than I am getting right now ...

Hope its just a bad feeling, and will come to nothing. Or that it will give me a more well defined sense of what is giving me this sense of alarm before its too late.

But I am on high alert till the danger is passed. I don't ignore my gut feelings. Thats how I survive in this world ... but man its stressful ...

Patterns of Life

My thoughts started running when I started asking myself, how is it someone learns something new? What makes them learn slow or fast? How do we go about learning, conciously or subconciously?

Here are the things I have come to think might be what makes us learn:
One is that we start seeing the pattern that makes sense to us. Lets say we are learning to draw, we see a pattern of how to draw a line so it makes sense for the drawing.

Nature is always symmetric in everything it creates, so we add symmetry to our pattern when we draw nature. We then observe the details, absorb the various patterns involved, the basic shapes and lines we need to learn, how to combine them and so on.

Its always easier to learn anything by learning the smallest bits first. The basic steps involved. The smaller the pieces we break the whole into, the easier it is to learn.

Second comes practice. Each person has a difference in the way they remember things. For some it takes very less repetition to remember but for some it takes a lot. So repetition is one way you can make something a part of your subconcious. Hence by repeating these smallest bits, you can absorb them to be part of you.

Next comes your creativity and courage to experiment with the bits. There are two ways you can learn things, one learn patterns that are handed down to you,or two: make your own patterns. Those who really learn the pattern of life are those who have the courage to try their own patterns.

You can start by learning the patterns handed down to you. Then move on to your own pattern creation. And be open to failures. Your patterns may not be nice initially, but they can always improve as you keep trying.

There is always the part of your ability to grasp things and how much attention to detail you pay, and how hard you want to learn something. The intention matters. And also this intention decides whether you have what it takes to keep trying till you get it right, without giving up when the going gets tough.

So over all learning something requires dedication to the task at hand, and taking it one bit at a time, absorbing that bit into you so that it becomes you, and then once its yours, learning to make your own pattern out of these bits. Then you have truly mastered what you set out to learn.

Thoughts and Clouds

Its interesting to compare the cloud pattern changes with thought pattern changes over time.

If you observe the clouds in the sky, it keeps changing with time, forming new shapes, giving new colours, clearing up or crowding the sky. Some times calm and serene, sometimes stormy and dark.

Its the same with thoughts, if you observe you find that it keeps changing, sometimes clear, sometimes cloudy, changing colours, forming new ones as time goes, discarding old, sometimes serene, sometimes dark and stormy.

I guess you can compare everything in nature with each other. There is some common strain, everything evolves and changes with time, following a pattern, and improvising for becoming better.

Our thoughts do the same, and it is in a way these thoughts that changes that makes us alive. Makes us live life with vigor. For if there was only serene thoughts and no variation, I would call life boring and in a way dead.

Dance, dance - like its its the last ... last - night of your life ...

Finding new things to do has become a way of life for me.

Now as a new venture, I have joined a B-Boying and Hip hop dance class, and its the most fun I have had in a long time.

Well everything I do is fun, but rigorous physical activity has always been something I crave.

The adrenaline rush, the energy that courses through me, it gives me a high like no other.

Its a feeling of flying that I can't describe. A feeling of liberation, freedom, and I do not know what else.

In a way I feel that modernization has brought about a caged life style of humans, though they may not realize it most of the time.

By inventions that make life easier, you also suppress your physical activities.

You become lazy and often never realize the freedom that a free run through an obstacle filled country side will give you.

We are now prisoners to our new society and overly comfortable life style, giving us the choice to do nothing more than a short walk if we choose that' to be all we need.

This makes it all the more difficult to choose to be highly active physically. You need to resort to artificial sources.

Dance too in a way is an artificial means of gaining that primeval need to run wild.

But it also is a primeval way to attract the opposite sex. So its closer to your basic instinct.

Anyway it makes me extremely happy when I am a part of it, and that's what counts.

So I have decided to make it a part of my ever changing, ever molding life, and to excel in it as much as I wish to be.

Resisting temptation - demon at work!

This is an interesting story from real life, where a friend of mine wanted to become slim and she decided to go on a one week diet regime.

So this is how the diet regime works:

Day 1: Fruits (You can consume only fruits the whole day)
Day 2: Vegetables
Day 3: Fruits and vegetables
and so on ...

Today happens to be day 2, and I have asked her only about tomorrow so far. We are lunch buddies so I need to kinda know what her diet is since we need to decide on where to go for lunch.

So we have a guy also with us, and all of us are foodies, though the guy and I don't look it. So now that he knows she is on a diet, he keeps mentioning all kinds of interesting food items we can have, such as biriyani, meat, chicken, etc etc

Poor girl looks so forlorn, and probably goes through hell hearing it, though she is steadfast on her one week diet regime, at least for the two days so far. I guess the fact that its just for a week kind of helps her to keep going.

If I could but upload some pics of her face, you can understand what a pressure it is to withstand temptation of food for a foodie ... she has a tortured look on her face looking at the fruits and vegetables she has to eat, and a very distressed look at having to resist what we order.

Now I am trying to gain weight, not loose, so no point in me taking the diet with her, though I eat what she eats along with other stuff, and the other stuff is what gets to her. And the guy eats and then looses it at the gym. So no dieting for him either. And to top it off he keeps pulling her leg, "One piece of chicken won't make a difference, come now, you can eat one ...".

He he, that's when I said it looks like devil vs Angel, Devil(the guy) tempting with the offer of just one little bite of fatty food(evil), and the poor dear hoping that she would be able to stick to the veggies (good).

Boy, is it hard to resist temptation. Guess that makes me think, only way you could diet is if the diet tastes good. And funny enough when you are not supposed to eat something, the more you want to eat it. And when you are supposed to eat something, the less you want that.

So maybe if you can make veggies and fruits into something exotic people might go for it. Though who ever mentions diet keeps telling, the less appealing the food, the better it is for you.

Now that is really crap:
- For one, you can really prepare things in so many different ways, that some preparation ought to appeal to you.
- And second, its also partly what you decide to like.

Trust me you can like anything you want, as long as you keep your mind open to accepting things and really getting to know how it tastes, and enjoy it slowly. Maybe not everything, but more than what you like right now.

Also you can acquire taste for many a thing. Its just that you have to decide to like it. That works with me anyway.

I actually do like fruits and veggies, though wouldn't want to eat that alone for too long. Probably also because I am not on diet (:P).

And I guess everyone goes through resisting temptation in one form or another, so I guess you can empathize with my poor friend, and wish her all the best in her difficult journey for the week ... :)

Life in a Cloud ...

I am now floating in a cloud, flowing where the wind takes me ...

A cloud that looks all big but can dissipate into rain and disappear ...

A cloud that is very fragile and ever moving ... which changes colour with the sunlight ...

Its a feeling of floating free ... let the wind take me where it must ...

Once on the cloud, black or white or gray that it becomes, its all part of you, and you take it in stride ... that is the cloud you are on, and you must accept it ... because the colour is not yours to decide ...

So I accept and get along ... experience life as it happens, going where it takes me ...

Its a journey where you learn and live and experience ... you live only once ... take life as it comes and give it what you got.

But you can't change the flow without the wind's help ... that's what you need to know ... and sometimes the wind takes you where you desire and sometimes you get taken where the wind wishes you to be ...

It is how it is ... all that you have is how you face what you got and what you make of it ... You can choose to be happy with what you have or be unhappy ... makes no difference to the cloud or the wind.

So I choose to enjoy and be happy with the cloud and the wind, for the path they take me through ... for a life I am living ... living the moment in the best of spirits ... because its the spirit with which I see things that I can control ... and control that I will ...

How do you decide what is ok ...

Its a good question ... how would you decide what is if not necessarily a good thing, at least not a bad thing to do? How do you take things that you face in life to be? How can something be good or bad? Hmmm ...

If its something that causes physical or emotional trauma then its a straight forward bad - like say an accident, or a break up with your boy friend.

If its something that causes a positive response in you, makes you happy, its definitely good - say like getting a promotion, or the love of your life marrying you.

Then there are a lot of things that would bring you happiness but may not be socially accepted. This can vary from place to place, community to community, vary with gender and so on ...

Such things can vary - drinking, smoking, drugs, sex, homosexuality, infidelity, polygamy, dressing ... list is long ... Now don't take me for a sociopath for saying this, but I guess as long as someone isn't being a public nuisance, I would say its a personal choice to make ... whether something is good or bad.

Anyway personally I feel anything in moderation is okay ... and you live your life only once, so its fine if its something that doesn't harm a fellow being - i am not talking about harming them because they are shocked at what you do ... that's none of their business unless they are involved directly in your scheme of things.

Anyway I live my life my way ... I do want to live it to the maximum ... and I want to not restrict myself to what is expected, I do not like monotony ... and I want adventure ... doesn't mean to say I go all out and do crazy stuff ... I don't define other people's life for them either - its theirs to live, unless they do something harmful to me, it isn't mine to interfere with.

But yeah ... I do crazy stuff that others may feel that I shouldn't, especially living in a still more or less chauvinistic society ... But its my life ... and I am deciding whats ok for me to do ... And yeah I do everything willing to face the consequences should someone be offended by it ... they are free to boycott me ... :)

Resolution for 2012 ...

What the heck ... I might as well write down at least a few which can be shared ...

1. Would like to be real good with my guitar by end of year ...
2. Would like to do that stint with the adventure club (this is a repeat resolution).
3. Travel somewhere exotic - at least 5 trips to some place other than Kerala and Bangalore.
4. Reduce my susceptibility to certain things ... which I know ... and am not spelling out here ... that's for me to know ...
5. Read more mails ... organize my friends, birthdays, calendar etc and plan things better ...
6. Track my day to day things better - bills and so on ...

That should do ... should keep resolutions to what I can do ... :D

Evaluation of last year resolutions

Resoultion 1: I would like to start a balance on the give and take - I want to try and balance things this year - reciprocating and also not giving to those not wanting.
Evaluation: I have no clue if I improved on that or not ... funny enough, now I feel this doesnt really matter as much anymore. Maybe I balanced it out a little, or I have stopped giving expecting anything in return. I dont expect anything much when I give - maybe ...

Resoultion 2: I would like to find someone to share my life with before the end of this year
Evaluation: Still pending ... again I no longer feel a hurry ... let it happen ...

Resolution 3: I would like to improve on my feminine side without overdoing it ... and achieving that balance is going to be tough ..S
Evaluation: Yeah, I think I have overdone it ... maybe - not sure (that probably means am on the path to overdoing it if I haven't overdone it already).

Resolution 4: I would like to get myself a few but really nice dresses and wear them out. Always wanted to wear them ... :). Those that you see in fairy tales kind.
Evaluation: Bought a little black dress ... good enough for me ... :) ...

Resolution 5: I would like to live every day like there may be no tomorrow - doing things that I would love - living life with a vengeance.
Evaluation: Does that every now and then ... Also I bought a guitar and started learning on my own :)

Resolution 6: I would like to stick to my Karate class for another grading at least - lets take one step at a time - don't know if I would have what it takes to continue till a black belt - though I sure hope I manage to have the dedication and patience.
Evaluation: Failed miserably ... havent seen my beloved Karate class for more than a couple of days this whole year ...

Resolution 7: I would like to think before I act/speak, and make better judgments in my actions. Trust me I have a habit of acting on impulse, when am really pushed around ... and speaking out freely isn't always cool.
Evaluation: Failed more often than I succeeded ... I hit the end of my patience quite a few times this year ...

Resolution 8: I would like to learn to be traveling to a lot more places, experiencing a lot more things in life ... and discovering more about the world.
Evaluation: Traveled to Chikmaglur and Mysore at least even though that isn't all that much.

Resolution 9: I would like to go with an adventure club for at least one outing if not more ...
Evaluation: Didn't happen ... maybe this year ...

Thats about it I guess ... for last year ...

New Year and me ...

This is another year ... when I take stock of what I am now ...

Resolutions are for me to know ... and not to put down here ... since its all a bit personal to put in a forum such as this ...

Anyway as usual I have decided to better myself. Also I need to go and see if I made any progress on last years resolutions ... there is time for that yet ... maybe in another blog entry ...

Now I thought I would vent a few of my thoughts here ... on what I feel as a new year begins ...

It always does make a difference to consider a new year beginning ... it triggers a lot of feelings such as a new chance for you, a time to evaluate yourself and decide on how to change yourself for the better, an opening for you to see life anew ...

Its a mixed set of feelings that you are feeling due to the importance you and the world give to this occasion ...

I think that as a whole my storm keeps calming more and more as I go ahead in life, living more ... knowing more ... experiencing more ...

I find the ripples less violent and more calming and the highs and lows subsiding ... rising again only less occasionally for a lone cyclone or a storm cloud, but generally moving towards a more tropical temperament ...

This is good in many ways. For one it helps me see life better, with my emotional intense feelings colouring the way I look at things less now that the intensity is less.

I don't get hurt as easily, but on the down side I don't feel happy as easily either. There are less surprises in life now ... only those that I allow ... and I have reduced the risks I take in life ...

The thing I observe as changing very rapidly is on my concept about a significant other ... It has always been a clouded one ... an undefinable one ... but even then I can find that undefinable concept about my significant other changing within me ...

I expect less ... my fundamental attitude towards him is more smooth at the corners ... adding more internal definitions ... I know its all vague ... that's because its still vague to me if I have to explain ...

Its something called instinct and experience combined making me decide without conscious thought, so I cannot try and define it ...

Over all I discover that I know less about me that I thought ... and who I am is still eluding me ... the more I try to find out ... maybe this year I will discover more ... and know myself better ... and better myself in the process ...