Fork in the road ...

I dont really get it ... when I seem to have these mood swings ... and feel helpless to do anything about it ...

I roughly know that my life isnt having any serious issues ... far lesser storms ... and i have been braving them long enough that its getting easier to deal with them now ...

But that doesnt mean I am invincible ... sensitivity is something I still have in me ... and that makes me still have those ups and downs ...

The uncertainities are those which makes me even more confused ...how do I chose which is the right road ... how will I know which one to take ... and whom do I ask for directions ... what if the different people I ask show me different roads ... lots of confusion ...

I am also not getting a clear indication from my instinct ... its fluctuating ... not giving me a clear notion of what to do ... and I am unable to be sure about what choice to make ...

And this is being a very important one, I am stuck since its a choice that would take me to a one way street. I make the choice and then I cannot go back ...

Well ... its always going to be storms and whirlwinds I suppose ... and in the end if I dont choose a road ... I will be hearded along one anyway ... coz there is only so long that i can resist the flow and stop before the fork in the road ...

Can one's thoughts evolve and stabilize?

I realize that I keep thinking in circles ... the same basic ideas ... but maybe with subtle changes to how I look at it. And eventually I guess I realize that
I can think how much ever I want but still the result will be the same ...

My thoughts dont seem to evolve once it is set in one particular path unless I make a concious effort to see things from a different perspective. Then again how do I know if the thoughts I have are proceeding in the right direction ... a very difficult question to answer.

I tend to think a lot, and am guilty of probably visualizing different positive and negative scenarios if my life takes a particular path ... some of them might be highly improbable and also very negative ...

But then I also believe in being an optimist who would still consider the possibility of things going real bad, so that even if it does go bad, I am prepared. Contrary statement ... I know. But its difficult to explain the way my mind works with these potentials.

Anyway I usually live my life with vigour ... and it doesnt matter what life throws at me, I have learned to take it and give back with a vengeance ... I might fall, but I get back on my feet and fight right back ... and wont give up till the time comes till I am no more ... I guess I was born with a very strong will to fight for survival ...

So my thoughts keep evolving, making me more stable when I am faced with a crisis ... I am learning to think before I act ... not to respond in anger, but objectively.

I have learned to understand that the whites and blacks in life are few and far between and you mostly see gray as black or white ... but those are only your perception of back or white, its actually same as a half glass being called half full or half empty - either may be right or we can argue either may be wrong ...

Life can be an illusion to a lot of people who never open their mind up to include the world but build up a world of their own and refuse to accomodate anything that dont fit into the world they have built up.

When you enter such worlds, you may see a whole lot more than they do, but you have to conform or choose a path that would prove a pretty hard one to traverse ...

So many a time you take the easy path, and try and conform to a world you know is not what you feel is right ... but would you rather travel the path untravelled or scarcely travelled?

My thoughts are clearer now than when I used to be in stormy seas ... i am not completely clear of the storms yet ... but i am holding onto those floating wrecks and can now see the shore, though far away still ...

But I have hope that I will reach the shore ... some time soon, now that I can see it in my vicinity ...

Guess thats how your thought evolve, if you refuse to give up the fight ...

Lost ...

The world happen to be largely something that keeps throwing you off track. You may not plan to create any harm, yet you might be treated unfairly or so you would feel.

I do not understand whether whatever is happening is for my own good or not. If what is good is heart wrenching I don't see much good in it. I guess

I am more closer to my animal instincts and my behavior often is along that path. I like or don't like. When there is a situation where I am not finding it in me to dislike but I should because that is what I should be doing in the situation, I get baffled. I also don't understand when people show dislike when they are trying to get away from what they like. Equally confusing.

But it does disturb me nevertheless when something that's supposed to be good, is going way bad. It also makes me melancholy. Which tends to make me do things I do not like doing.

Can't be helped however. This is the world I live in. And it beats me, how I will survive in it. I often feel I don't belong. But survive I must and make the most of whatever moments available to me.

Life is not too long that you need to complicate it unnecessarily. God knows mostly it gets complicated well enough without trying to make it so.

I wonder ... I wonder

Sometimes I wonder why it is that its always the guy who gets to ask for a walk around the tree. Why is always that the maidens are afraid to take a step in the direction of speaking what truly they wish to speak of.

There are many a question ... my mind asks many such things ...

Right now I am happy the way I am ... living life one day at a time ... letting my love of life and everything in it unleashed ... letting those I love know that I love them ...

Just not worrying about what tomorrow may bring, but enjoying today and what is there now ...

I came across this thought ... and its significance - a thrown weapon and a spoken word cannot be taken back ... true enough, so I seek to think before I speak ... but the spoken words of hatred are to be checked while I do not wish to take back words of love ever.

There are times you speak ... words of hate or love ... when they are right to be spoken of then ... but then again even a word of love at the wrong time might not be the right choice. Well lots to ponder over.

And I guess I will always wonder about matters of the heart ... they are things I think I have finally come to terms with only to be thrown off balance again within a short time span ...

But well I guess you never wonder unless u live ur life knowing you are living it ... spirit is what matters most ...

Swayamdipta Sahoo

Colleague in Ness since last two years

Since this guy has been bugging me to write about him for the past two days, and he is quite single minded when he sets out to get something done, I have come around to writing about him.

He is someone who is quite a presence in office. He makes quite a lot of noise and is quite dedicated.

Was quite a lot of help when I joined, and though I used to get a bit intimidated by the fellow, he sure knows his way around the project and is quite brilliant in his own way. He has a sharp mind, and is quite good at any work assigned to him. He has a very strong sense of responsibility. He also expects the same from everyone working with him.

He is also quite jovial and also has a very good sense of humor. He seems to have a bit archaic views about women and there are a few interesting concepts about his future wife - the list progressively getting shorter with time. Well, given the original requirements, I guess he is better off now that it is cut short. This guy is actively searching for a significant other, and if there is a girl who doesn't talk too much ;) ... he would like to meet her.

Well the guy is a decent guy, maybe a bit too old fashioned when it comes to dating, but well, every choice has its merits :). He loves to travel, and keeps planning trips with friends and I am quite envious about recently planned trip which includes the Valley of Flowers, being quite interested in traveling myself.

Well ... what more can I say, I had taken him to be a little resistant to changing his life style, but recently he has surprised me with making quite a few changes to his views ...

Anyway he is a good guy at heart, and a good friend to have. And as a colleague he is quite invaluable. :)

Some bits and pieces of thoughts ... as usual ;)

I know I have a short memory which I am thankful for most of the time. Helps me heal quickly and move on with life. But in order to forget I follow the policy out of sight out of mind. Now I need a forgetting by choice program for my head. Hell its tough, the more u try to forget something, the more you think about it and in turn remember it instead of forgetting it. Complicated stuff. Now I get what they meant in the book "The Secret". Not that half of what they say works. Probably because someone else must be sending request to the contrary would be their explanation I bet.

It tires out your spirit and your brain cells. All this confusion. To get hurt or not to be. God knows I don't take the easy way out and turn back and run. I am no coward. I keep trying no matter how tough the road, no matter how bad my experiences. This resilience is what makes me live life in the way I believe it should be lived.

But I guess I sometimes do feel like screaming and making a fuss too. I mostly do all that inside my head, so that no one else needs to see me screaming and making a fuss. I might be slightly weird since I constantly replay possible future confrontations in my head, I counsel myself, you could term it as self help and self evaluation and motivation ... and as long as I do it inside my head it wouldn't be termed crazy. I have very vivid imagination, which makes many things almost real. Do note the word "almost". I hope my imagination stays at almost. Don't want to confuse reality with imagination. I am too sensible to do that, though at times I prefer an imaginary world to the real one I live in (doesn't everybody?).

Its good to wait a while ...

When in confusion its best not to take any decisions and act on it immediately. Wait a while and you will find that you might have made a number of decisions, and more often contrary to each other in the duration you waited. Each decision probably based on a whim at that moment, and probably with little logical back up. Its just based on feelings and emotions and more or less the frustration at not knowing what to do and the urge to do something. Atleast thats how it is for me.

I happen to like the lines quoted in a book I read recently, where a man speaks to a eleven year old boy, who finds the situation he is in most confusing: "You are eleven years old. You will find life confusing. It gets more confusing as one grows older".

So me being me, and knowing fully well that its hard for me to wait and hence I will make some rash decisions, which though I wont regret (I dont regret my decisions since I believe there is not much of a point regretting them), will actually not end up being good for me, I have decided to give a shot at not making a decision at all. Very difficult to control my urges to do something - anything - just because I hate being idle and not doing anything.

So now that I have successfully held back from making rash decisions, I decided to make a study of all the decisions I might have made in the last few days. I am not going into the complex and outrageous decisions that passed through my head. But lets just say most weren't pretty, and many where just the reverse of a previously made decision. Which is highly disconcerting to me. I guess I should let things work out on its on and not make any move yet. Wait for the other players to make their move in life, so that I get a clearer picture of where I stand.

In a way I guess I am growing up finally, and learning a few things from life. Mainly patience. Atleast I am trying to. I always feel the need to change myself, when I feel how I am right now is not what is best for me and I can improve and be a better person. I had done a drastic change long back when I moved from school to college - from a person more inclined towards an introvert nature into someone who was very much an extrovert. But now I think I need to change or refine some of my basic characteristics - lets call it fine tuning ... extrovert is good, but still there are some more desirable characteristics I need to acquire, which I am working on ...

I guess I am one of those people who find change desirable ... I feel that one should always strive to improve and not become rigid and refuse a change even when its needed, just because we are used to the way we are.

Now I am trying to see a light in every bleak situation ... and try to find humour in my predicaments ... maybe if I try and not get so emotionally involved and think - what if this is happening to a friend and I am just an observer - I might be able to see things more clearly. Anyway each one of us have to play the game that is life, in our own ways ...

Yuvraj Sarda

He is someone who is one of the pillars of my friends here in Ness, though he isnt a Nessian. He brings in the energy and the enthusiasm and was the trigger that resulted in a lot of fun trips we made. He was our group planner, who would take the initiative.

I find him a really jovial guy, who is charming to be around. He also has a good sense of responsibility and dedication in what ever he does. I always found his adventure streak to strike a chord with my own fondness for adventure. Also he is someone who takes people as they are without prejudice or judgement and also gives every one their personal space, which I find a rare trait these days.

He is good at holding people together and is pretty straight forward and honest in his interactions. I would say he is someone you would be happy to have as your friend, and someone I would always remember in life.

Happy to have crossed paths with you dude, in this journey that's life.

Life always more gray than black or white

It is said its a woman's prerogative to change her mind. This may be true when it comes to making a decision on what to do with my life. I just seem to make and unmake my mind quite quickly on different options. Including whether I want to write GRE or not.

Interestingly I don't know if the reason for my interest in writing it is justified. Going abroad for a short spell shouldn't be the reason for higher studies. Neither should it be because I would like to spend some more time at a college ... I should want something that I would like to study in particular.

But again my reasons for marriage are just as ridiculous.

Either ways in addition to all these, reading too many romantic novels, most of them based on the 18th century, with Knights in shining armor carrying away the ladies to pure blissful and loving life does make one build up fantasies. It makes me wonder if every man and women would want love and if they are thrown together would eventually love each other or if they would go looking somewhere else for that love, without having the patience to find out if the person they are thrown in with has the love they might be looking for.

Also this love business more often creates pain than bliss. At least from my experiences. But I just seem to not learn to protect my heart, and always tend to leave it without a shred of armor trusting everyone with it.

Now I do believe its possible to build a good relationship with a person, if u at least like that person, and love isn't always something that would automatically stay with you, you have to work on it to keep the love burning instead of smoldering and then dying away.

The good thing for me is, I don't expect too much initially. I take things as they come. And try to make the most with what I have got. I do have expectations, but very few are mandatory, and I am willing to wait till I make sure if those can be achieved or not. This applies to most things in life, including a relationship.

Sadly, though I am optimistic, and believe in "try, try, try again till you succeed", I do know when I reach the end of a cul de sac, that its time to turn back and find another way.

But well, I am happy with my disposition, and have resigned to the fact that I am always gonna be a thinking quite a lot ... cant help that, that's the way I am ...
And I also know I have a strong spirit, which will always strive on no matter what comes by ... I don't give up on life ... I do believe in fighting it through.

Well I guess this post is kind of like a muddle of thoughts and a bit of motivation to myself that life will always go on ... and its okay to be muddled, because that's what happens when there is no white or black and its hard to decide which gray is better of the lot and would lead you to white or at least close to it.

Cross Road In my life

Its a time I am again thinking what to do with my life ... a moment I am considering higher studies as an option ... but am happy with my work ... not quite wanting to go anywhere yet, but my gut feelings telling me its time to brush up my knowledge and go to another new phase and new setting in my life ... a couple of years abroad in college wouldn't hurt ...

Also it would keep my mind away from the main focus of my life, the lack of a sex life even after completing a quarter century on earth, and would eliminate that as the reason for marriage - coz that really is a stupid reason to want to get married or maybe not when you are desperate. However I would like that not to be the sole reason for marriage. But right now I can't think of any other reason.

Anyway I would soon see if I am going to proceed with this new venture of preparing for GRE and TOEFL, the gate ways to study abroad or not. If my current thought process goes strong, I would pursue it and study to my best. Lets hope things work out for the best.

Also all these thoughts make me forget scanning the crowd for a prospective life partner ... postponing that to a later date.

Now a thought comes to my mind ... having read an article by a lady (possibly feminist?) about being wary of the mating games that meeting any available single human of the opposite sex invariably triggers, making both of you circle in mutual appraisal ... which unless you make a conscious effort, continues to be a ritual till you find a satisfactory significant other. Hence I think I will have to tell myself this is going to happen unless I make a conscious effort to not do what I have the gut feeling to do. In my case, this is very hard to implement since I happen to be an instinct person - I seldom ignore my gut feelings.

Well this is life, with its numerous cross roads, but I hope my affinity to one or other members of the opposite sex would not be a reason for me to not pursue my interests in the world at large. But again ... how things would turn out ... is always "wait and see" for me ... nothing can be predicted ...

Confusing signals

Well ... we are back to the topic of my crush ... now I guess am through enough that it doesn't matter to me what happens ...

The guy is seriously confused, and keeps sending me signals contradicting his statement of wanting to have nothing to do with me ... he sure seems to take more than a passing interest ... and if I respond to it, I get my head bitten off ...

Guess he is in denial ... and his tongue is too sharp, probably coz he still ends up hanging around when he doesn't want to, same as what is happening with me most of the time. I seriously am tired of all the drama, and am leaving him alone, with his confusion. I think am better off moving on ... and have kind of gotten tired with all the playing hard to get games ... so I guess weariness also helps get over things ...

My mind is in the process of moving out, and has started the scanning process already of finding the next candidate to loose my heart to ... though he being in the immediate area does complicate my scanning process ... by causing interference with his confusing signals of taking interest and a tad of regret that things didn't work out. kinda mourning the loss and occasionally getting a small flicker of hope up resulting in sending back some signals of interest, subconsciously ... which is now reducing, as I am tiring of the game.

Hope the next one I take interest would be someone that is agreeable to my mind,and my heart, and hope things would work out.

Hate it when I get too sensitive

Well I guess everyone has good days and bad... and well guess what... today was a particularly bad one ...

The morning went bad thanks to a confrontation with a colleague over some mail I sent ... Am still wondering if I was right or wrong in sending it ... but i don't feel bad about it mostly because I was already at my wits end being shuttled around for answers and not getting anything I could use to state my case, with those answers i did get. Anyway, there might have been alternative approaches to avoid this unpleasant confrontation, by raising an issue for tracking and just sending it off ... would have been a better approach ... well anyway whats done was done... can't redo that ... Still fact remains that I prefer to stay out of office politics ...

Then it ended up as a long gruelling day with little tangible work accomplished, and I was weary because of it ... and I get back to have an unnecessary argument over cake distribution on my birthday which was a couple of weeks past - for pity's sake ... guess lot of people can be shallow and make fuss over trivia ... I clearly would like to have less superficiality when it comes to friends ... my best friend wished me yesterday, and last year I wished her one month after her birthday... but neither of us became enemies because of something insignificant as that ...

It would feel nice to be wished on your birthday or other special days that mean something to u ... but as far as I am concerned there is a lot more to life and relationships than these things ...

Unfortunately in spite of it being something that normally I would not be too bothered about, my real long frustrated work day kind of made that sting more than it should have. Right now I don't think I am very well disposed towards this particular person who thinks a friend needs a formal invitation in order to celebrate birthday surprise parties ... guess I wont use the choice words coming to my mind in this blog ... I would like to keep this place neat ...

Anyway all said and done, I am winded up something bad, and if I don't unwind somewhere I might not last the rest of the week with my usual calm... hence all this grumbling here ... am just letting out steam ... yeah mostly nothing major did happen ... but a lot of minor problems can add up to a real major bad day ...

Right now its best I don't talk to nobody and just mind my own business to the best interest of everyone involved(myself included). I guess I kinda reached the limits of my emotional endurance... and I really don't wanna start shouting at anyone ... since I know am capable of making real cutting remarks when am really pissed off ... which I am at the moment ... crap ...

This post should be the epitome of my horrible moods ... maybe i would come back when am in a better state of mind to write in decent style - i.e sad moods and happy moods ... angry moods make me too irritated to write well ... i just write raw emotion ... not cool I guess ...

A day which is Special ... but quiet and peaceful

Its rare that I get days when my mind is not in a turmoil ... and I am not in a hurry to get anything done ... Unfortunately I couldn't pen down my thoughts on this day, as I guess I was too much at peace to pen down much.

So now I am recollecting from memory, that one cherished day, when I felt at peace to the world, like a traveler who has decided to take a little rest to stretch ones leg during a long journey, without worrying about the distance that needs to be completed, knowing that this rest will help in refreshing and regaining his lost energy, and help him to move ahead with renewed spirits.

Once you stop worrying, and decide that this day will be yours, you are in a state of mind ... which is at peace ... and its rare to feel something like this ... when you cherish yourself and keep a day only for yourself. So I pamper myself, take a long happy oil bath, feel all fresh ... stretch out and read a nice romance ... cry when the heroine of the novel is distressed by being misunderstood and then rejoice when things (as always happens in a romance novel) ends happily ... feeling that its sometimes nice to read a happy book, even though you know how its going to turn out in general, even before you start reading the book.

A little talk with your dear darling room mates, and then get something you crave - probably just a gopi Manchurian (a cauliflower dish - Chinese), which happens to be something I always like. And that makes you have a nice calm, relaxed day ...

Though there wasn't anything "happening" on the day - still the day was Special - just because it was a breath of fresh air in an otherwise hectic lifestyle.

Storms - Why is my life full of them?

I always wonder why my life is full of them - is it because I try living it to the max? Or is it because I never fit into the prototype defined by the society I live in? Anyway having the urge not to hurt any of the people I love also adds to the complication that is my life. Its quite not possible to please everybody else and also do what makes you happy. I guess I still have to try for something that would be a good enough compromise for all parties concerned.

I was always a rebel and never liked to be told what to do. Nor do I like someone else defining my boundaries for me. I like to explore the world I live in and to find my own place in it. Which could be difficult in a place where a female still has to fight a lot to be independent when a guy has it forced on him whether he likes it or not. Guess its bad for both parties since a girl who wants to be independent and a guy who wants to be dependent are both at a disadvantage. I guess I have to be fair to both sexes here.

But yes, its a struggle all the way, the path I have chosen. And if someone tries to own me with the wrong approach, he is in for a long hard struggle in which he has very little chances of succeeding ... since I'd rather die than let someone force his will into me.

Why all this out burst now? Well its because I feel destiny is asking me to forget my new found truly madly (and uselessly unidirectional) love, and settle for a marriage to some stranger (yes, the pressures of family, relatives and what not to get me married - arranged of course), which kind of is rubbing me the wrong way. I know no one is at fault here and its how thing work around here. Exactly why the rebel in me finds it irksome.

Guess I am going to be in another of those roller coaster rides again ... and since I don't wanna hurt anybody, I will have to subject myself to the process and be artificial, act like some traditional female which am not, speak little which is very hard for me, and fool another guy with the wrong first impression. Maybe I should just slip him the link to this blog here and he would get the right impression? Who am I kidding ... if its some stuck up guy who is momma's pet he would probably go tell his mom, who would tell my mom, and some relative of mine would find this and force me to put it out of commission - so its just you and me blog.

I guess all this is reason enough for an out burst, and I cant complain - my life is intense - if only because I see it that way every minute and its all in my head.

Most of the people out there have similar or dissimilar - but nevertheless intense problems of their own which may not seem a big deal to me, same as mine may not seem a big deal to someone else. Who is anybody to judge what another perceives ... I guess my way of dealing with it is to express it out here ... Hence these wisps of flashing thoughts as a post ...

Love Really Is Blind

Its not quite possible to explain things rationally when you are in love ... and this is the time when you start wondering how artificial human beings have become from what they are designed to be.

Lets start with your instinct telling you to love somebody, which your rational mind says is not gonna be a great idea because of one hundred reasons - i.e why in the society we live in, this love isn't going to work out long term or cannot get a chance to fulfill.

Well rational mind is right, but does that change your feeling? No.

From my experience so far, the more you fight you love instincts with logic, the more miserable you become. There really isn't any compromise your heart is going to agree to once it is fixated on giving itself to a person.

So as you can guess, I have the above mentioned issue at the moment. And I guess am through the fighting phase of it. I have finally got it drilled into my head that, girl stop fighting, its of no use.

So now I have resigned to the fact that I am truly, madly (deeply? - don't know how deep - hope not so much) in love. And as it more often than not happens with me, the feelings are not returned (never keeps me from trying again though).

Well, experience does teach you some things, and after giving the dude a real hard time, and taking a lot of humiliation of rejection in the process (well, I did ask for all that), I thankfully went through the storm cycle with lot less loss of health and anguish than any time before.

I guess the anguish lasted as long as took for me to realize forgetting is not an option. And I still respect the guy to no end, and still no change in the truly madly in love part. This in spite of having been constantly shown the door to my profession of love etc etc.

The reason to this could be due to the fact that the guy had my best interests in mind, when he did show me the door. First time in my life, I have felt like someone do care, and did not want to take advantage of the situation. Someone telling me whats good for me, and not whats good for him. He was doing the right thing (for me, more than for him) by saying no. Guess that went a long way in not feeling like shit in spite of the rejection.

The bugging him part, I still couldn't help ... love has no reason, and it likes being expressed, and I always speak my mind. I did reduce it to the max I could, which if he hears (that the bugging was the max restrained one from my end) would give him a heart attack - since the little bugging which I did itself was too much for him to take.

Well still I guess I would continue pining for him for god knows how long. Kinda like every spare moment I think of him, whether I like to or not. So no choice in that. Till I guess someone I have stronger affinity comes along, or my destiny takes a turn and I have no choice but to force myself to move on.

So I have accepted that. Would always hope that someday my feelings will be returned, and that someday wouldn't be too late. But at least I have laid to rest the urge to bug him or to fight the love. And funny enough that has made me more at peace and happier than when I was fighting it.

Is this called selfless love? No idea ... Guess not ... I am just making things as comfortable as possible for myself (like if you are locked in a box you might as well find the most comfortable place in it and save your energy, if you know for a fact there is no way out) ... and this is the best I can do in the current situation ... guess that's all my whirlwind of thoughts have to express for now ...

What is love ?

I guess its a confusing question ... what love is ...

If one person dominates your thoughts night and day, and you feel like your life is
revolving around that person, then does that mean you are in love,
or is it just an infatuation?

I guess that's a good question ...

I keep falling in love, getting a heart break ... again falling in love ...
oh! the confusing life I lead.

The worst part is I cant decide whom I fall in love with,
at least not consciously so far ...

Its a subconscious process, where my biological radar keeps scanning for ideal candidates,
short lists them without even a conscious decision, targets one based on god knows what criteria,
and makes you feel like you have been hit with a cupid arrow, when ever you see the person,
once your subconsciousness makes up its mind.

It never asks the conscious part what it has to say about this ...

And what does this result in? Heartbreak.

And to top that off, you get insulted, degraded etc ...
if you are the bold kind that speaks your mind and go and tell the person how you feel ...
just wonderful I say.

I at times wish that I could fight myself so I can live a peaceful life.
Anyway I guess am back to feeling rejected, lonely and completely distressed that in spite of it all,
I am still very much in love.

I guess its true that when you are in love you feel both extremely high and extremely depressed
at the same time.

Depressing time of my life ... guess life has its highs and lows and
I am at the most turbulent period of my life ...

I just don't understand how I can continue falling in love and
never learn after having never succeeded in it so far ...

Guess some things are just beyond your control and you cant change what you are.

note: originally written on Feb 21, 2011

The state of all states

I guess I am now in a state ... where all my thought process are telling me they had enough ... dont think anymore ... just be blank ...

It is not so easy, but I have achieved this state over the last two days ... and it does give me some peace of mind ... thinking is not a boon but a burden at times ...

This is really quite some state of mind ... and I am yet to master it, such that I can be so with ease ...

Anyway even in this state I can think of one song which really appeals to me at this moment ...

Papa Roach's - Last Resort ... quite some song ...

What matters in life

Many a time we run behind things we feel are most important in life ... many a time we think too much about meaningless things in life ... too much thinking doesnt make any difference more often than not ...

To each one of us what matters in life differ ... if you ask yourself if you were to choose 5 things you would like to always have in life ... each one of us would choose differently ...

I would not at the moment like to answer that question as I am confused myself ... freedom or love, independence or people I care about, choices ... difficult choices ... but we need to make decisions no matter what ... or they would anyway be made for us ...

At times I feel too tired to choose ... letting life make the choices for me ... I know I cant have everything always ... so I enjoy what I have when I have it ...

At this juncture I am hesitant though, since am not sure what it is I have as options ...

Mostly my mind is in turmoil ... now I am at least not as panicky or going to an all time low like I used to ... life teaches you things ... and I know after every night there is a day ... now it might be night for me, with the darkness and the demons that I need to face, but the sun will rise tomorrow, driving away the darkness and the demons ...

So I am still in search of what matters in life for me ... I know am not materialistic ... so its more feelings that matters to me ... and peace of mind. And these are the most difficult to get hold of ... and for them to be right, how I live my life matters ...

I would take one step at a time ... I guess being sad is also better than no emotions at all ... since I always believe being sad once in a while is good for you, since then you appreciate happiness more. Only if you know fear, do you learn to be truly brave. So I guess I will face ma life, with hope and courage ... and accepting what life brings ... enjoying it ... in spite of the sadness and happiness that come with it ... all these are what makes you truly alive ...

I guess am back in the storm ...

I am now at a juncture ... between the ending stage of life as i know it and start of a new life about which I know nothing about ...

I can feel things changing around me, difference in people I hung out with, feeling like I cant do the things I had been doing till now. Feeling like my life is going to be uprooted and I am gonna start all over again, with a difference that I get to say good byes. And feeling that right now I am suspended somewhere in between, seeing both the old life, and the new life, but touching neither. Like am in a glass cage, belonging neither here nor there. It feels wrong in a way... or rather should I say sad. I feel like I am lost. Future unknown, all I can do is hope for the best. Not knowing whether to be happy. Feeling like its better to be prepared for battle. At least emotionally. I feel like rebuilding all the walls I pulled down over the years, and flipping my character again, into a more reserved one, since its better to be prudent when you enter the unknown world. I guess I am afraid of the unknown ... just like I have always been afraid of the darkness always.

Guess am back in my stormy world ... lost in the thousand thoughts that go through my head ... hoping to be out some day and see the clear blue skies again and feel the peace ...

New Year Resolutions

I am not much of a resolutions person ... but as each year passes one learns new things in life ... and so it would be the wise thing to learn from it ... here are a few things I would like to try and stick to this year ...

I would like to start a balance on the give and take - in life one often either gives too much to people you really like, when what you give might not be taken well by the people who receive, and on the other hand there may be people who give a lot to you, whom you do not appreciate. I want to try and balance things this year - reciprocating and also not giving to those not wanting.

I would like to find someone to share my life with before the end of this year - since I think my internal clock has declared to me - now is the time. I think I am ready to start a new life.

I would like to improve on my feminine side without overdoing it ... and achieving that balance is going to be tough ...

I would like to get myself a few but really nice dresses and wear them out. Always wanted to wear them ... :). Those that you see in fairy tales kind.

I would like to live every day like there may be no tomorrow - doing things that I would love - living life with a vengeance.

I would like to stick to my Karate class for another grading at least - lets take one step at a time - don't know if I would have what it takes to continue till a black belt - though I sure hope I manage to have the dedication and patience.

I would like to think before I act/speak, and make better judgments in my actions. Trust me I have a habit of acting on impulse, when am really pushed around ... and speaking out freely isn't always cool.

I would like to learn to be traveling to a lot more places, experiencing a lot more things in life ... and discovering more about the world.

I would like to go with an adventure club for at least one outing if not more ...

There are lot more in my dreams - but this will do for now ... as starters for this year ...

Munnar Trip

We started from Bangalore on 24th night around 10.30pm. We were 12 in number and went by a 12 seater tempo travel. We travelled through beautiful mountain roads, past waterfalls and tea plantations to reach our ecoland resort - the place we stayed, which was extremely beautiful, with a miniature waterfall in front of it and lots of greenery. We spend time taking photographs and resting up, enjoying nature and the peaceful atmosphere. Later we went to have lunch outside ... and then saw some places in the city and returned back. We enjoyed a nice Kerala special dinner, which turned out to be good for my friends too, none of whom where from Kerala. I was happy they liked it ... Then we had a campfire around which we played dumb charades, played anthakshari and also a new game where we tell a good thing and a bad thing about everyone present ... It was a nice experience and everyone enjoyed it a lot ...

Next day, we went in search of a waterfall, rode the elephant and saw a dam, photo point and then made out return journey ... with songs and games. The entire journey was fun ... mainly due to the life of the trip - my dear friends - who made the experience unforgettable. :). Loved it.