Love Really Is Blind

Its not quite possible to explain things rationally when you are in love ... and this is the time when you start wondering how artificial human beings have become from what they are designed to be.

Lets start with your instinct telling you to love somebody, which your rational mind says is not gonna be a great idea because of one hundred reasons - i.e why in the society we live in, this love isn't going to work out long term or cannot get a chance to fulfill.

Well rational mind is right, but does that change your feeling? No.

From my experience so far, the more you fight you love instincts with logic, the more miserable you become. There really isn't any compromise your heart is going to agree to once it is fixated on giving itself to a person.

So as you can guess, I have the above mentioned issue at the moment. And I guess am through the fighting phase of it. I have finally got it drilled into my head that, girl stop fighting, its of no use.

So now I have resigned to the fact that I am truly, madly (deeply? - don't know how deep - hope not so much) in love. And as it more often than not happens with me, the feelings are not returned (never keeps me from trying again though).

Well, experience does teach you some things, and after giving the dude a real hard time, and taking a lot of humiliation of rejection in the process (well, I did ask for all that), I thankfully went through the storm cycle with lot less loss of health and anguish than any time before.

I guess the anguish lasted as long as took for me to realize forgetting is not an option. And I still respect the guy to no end, and still no change in the truly madly in love part. This in spite of having been constantly shown the door to my profession of love etc etc.

The reason to this could be due to the fact that the guy had my best interests in mind, when he did show me the door. First time in my life, I have felt like someone do care, and did not want to take advantage of the situation. Someone telling me whats good for me, and not whats good for him. He was doing the right thing (for me, more than for him) by saying no. Guess that went a long way in not feeling like shit in spite of the rejection.

The bugging him part, I still couldn't help ... love has no reason, and it likes being expressed, and I always speak my mind. I did reduce it to the max I could, which if he hears (that the bugging was the max restrained one from my end) would give him a heart attack - since the little bugging which I did itself was too much for him to take.

Well still I guess I would continue pining for him for god knows how long. Kinda like every spare moment I think of him, whether I like to or not. So no choice in that. Till I guess someone I have stronger affinity comes along, or my destiny takes a turn and I have no choice but to force myself to move on.

So I have accepted that. Would always hope that someday my feelings will be returned, and that someday wouldn't be too late. But at least I have laid to rest the urge to bug him or to fight the love. And funny enough that has made me more at peace and happier than when I was fighting it.

Is this called selfless love? No idea ... Guess not ... I am just making things as comfortable as possible for myself (like if you are locked in a box you might as well find the most comfortable place in it and save your energy, if you know for a fact there is no way out) ... and this is the best I can do in the current situation ... guess that's all my whirlwind of thoughts have to express for now ...